Tuesday, November 22, 2011

What's in a Name?

The following is a guest post from an anonymous, id-minded friend who thinks your baby's name freakin' blows:

So, I don’t have kids. I’m just going to put that out there now, so that all of you know up front that yes, I am on my “I never want to have kids” pedestal where I can judge all of the silly things parents do, without being in the situation myself. 

Despite the fact that I remain steadfastly childless, my friends have begun to have babies.  With giving birth, they also give another thing…names.  And guess what?  I judge my friends' baby names.  All of them. And it’s not pretty.

There seems to be this trend of giving kids really weird names and I just don’t understand it.  Do parents think about what life will be like for their child with a bizarre name or is this just their own way of expressing their creative juices?   The first thing people think when you announce that your new baby is named Morocco isn’t, “Wow, she’s really clever and creative.” They think, “What on earth was she thinking giving her daughter that ridiculous name?!?”  Their opinion of you, as a person and a parent, has suffered. 

My name has been in the top ten name list for girls almost every year since like 1910.  I promise you, despite the fact that a couple of other kids in my grade shared my name, life was never hard for me. I love my name.  My sister has a name that was insanely popular when she was born and still is.  You know why it’s popular?  Because it’s a pretty, normal name.  And my parents were smart and kind to give that name to her.

Look, babies grow up to become real people. They are going to go to school and one day look for jobs and they are going to put their ridiculous names on their resumes.  And, my generation of mostly normal-named people will be the ones hiring them.  We will judge them for their names and we will laugh when we see their resumes. Does anyone think about things like this when they stick their kid with “Apple?”  Don’t even get me started on Aleph which, if you don’t know Hebrew, is like naming your child “A.”  A letter is not a name.

I know two people who have given their child the same name as my parents’ dog.  My parents’ dog does not have a person name like “Sadie” (which I think is a very cute dog and human name, oddly enough).  Their dog has a name that I never thought in a million years would be used for a human.  Now I know two humans with it.  And, guess what?  Your drive to be unique failed, because everyone is trying to be unique and your unique name is slapped on lots of other babies.   So there!

Parents-to-be, please think about your children.  Think of their future.  Think of the normal names.