Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Nothing Like Being Rubbed Down by a Stranger

This was my Facebook status update last weekend, after a particularly blissful massage. And it was so true. It is true. I really can't think of anything I would rather be doing. Right now, as I type this, I totally want a stranger to rub oils all over my naked body.

After a very stressful few days weeks couple of years, it felt wonderful to just relax and unwind for a few hours. J told me to take my time (haha, duh, I was totally planning on it, anyway, but thanks for making it seem like it was YOUR idea), so my nook, my bathrobe and I hung out for while at a local spa. Whoa, whoa, hold up- some of you are all like, "Hey, isn't her husband unemployed? What's she doing getting a massage?" Don't pretend you aren't judging. Well, you can all just chill, because I had a gift certificate, people.
Anyway, this particular massage was great. I reached that fine point between asleep and awake and it was divine.

Afterwards, I started remembering all the massages that I had at one point or another that were really bizarre, though, so I thought I'd share some of those experiences here.

1. The masseuse that mounted me.
- Is this practice commonplace? Because I had never before been mounted during a massage. A tiny woman, about 90 pounds, literally sat on my ass while she massaged my back. Very awkward.

2. The masseuse that forgot oils.
- I don't know why I didn't stop this massage.  I guess I kept thinking she'd find oil somewhere?  She didn't.  That was some painful friction that I never want to experience again.

3. The masseuse that asked to massage my stomach.
- This has actually happened more than once. Um, no thanks. Does anyone find that relaxing? Not relaxing. Weird. Don't touch me there.

4. The masseuse that I saw on multiple occasions, who was later arrested for performing inappropriate sexual acts on clients.
-Yikes. But, also? Maybe I'm a little offended.  Was I not attractive enough to have been offered such perks? Not saying I would have accepted, but it would have been nice to have been asked.

5. The masseuse who pumped out oil while she clearly had two hands on me.
-What was she pumping the oil out with? Her hands were clearly placed on my back, and oil was clearly being pumped. What was she using? To this day I still wonder.

So, those are my top 5 most bizarre massage experiences.  And that is not including the masseuse that had a horrible cold and was sneezing, coughing and touching my germaphobic face with her hands.  But, overall, I love me some rubdowns by a stranger.  And there's nowhere I'd rather be...

***Have you had any strange massage experiences that you'd like to share?  Tell me about it below in the comments.

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